I went out with one of my best friends tonight. We went for dinner and to see our other friend that we haven’t seen in a long time. As I was taking her back home at the end of the night, we started having a really good conversation. She asked me the question, “Do you think I’m ever going to find someone?” I, of course, said yes. She’s smart, funny, and really pretty and she gives everything she’s got to the people she loves. I, in turn, asked her the same question and got the same answer.
Some days, however, I feel as if love and romance and a family are going to elude me. I’m terrified to death that I’m going to wind up old and alone. I’m 27 years old and still incapable of saying what I truly feel to someone. I’m weak-willed and so easy to step on.
In the course of our conversation I told my friend that in some ways I’m glad I’m not in a relationship right now. Between school and work, there are days I don’t even have time for family and even less for friends. If I were in a relationship I may be shortchanging someone even more than I currently am and I don’t want to do that to anyone.
But it was a lie.
I want a relationship so badly. I want someone to tell my deepest secrets and wishes to and have them love me for the weirdness that exudes from me on a daily basis. I want to wake up in the morning and have a text saying good morning or to go to bed at night and send lovey dovey texts to someone and get them in return. I want to dress up and go out to dinner on the rare night that I don’t have a pile of homework. I want to put on sweats and a t-shirt and go over to his place and work on homework while he plays video games or watches tv. I want someone to distract me from whatever it is I’m doing by playing with my hair or sneaking up on me and kissing me. I want to steal his shirts and sleep with them so I can smell him as I fall asleep. I want to meet his parents and have him meet mine. I want to have to warn him that my parents are kind of dorky and weird. I want to ride in his car and sing along with him to old rock music. I want to have him laugh at me while I sing Hannah Montana or One Direction or something else equally embarrassing. I want to have a song.
I want all of that. And more.
I want to love someone and have them love all my quirks and oddities. I want someone to be better for.
I will have that someone someday. Because if I don’t believe that, then I have nothing.