Skinned knees and bandaids

So I’m pretty sure my parents are sick. They’ve been sleeping for quite some time. This is a big deal because when my mother gets sick she gets cranky and she’s sick for days on end.

I had a little experience of what it would be like to be a mother today. I went to pick up B (my friend’s daughter) from school today and she came running up without her stuff right away. She ran, hands first, directly into the side of my car and the following conversation ensues:

B: Beth! Emily’s crying.

Me: What happened?

B: She fell and scraped her knee and its bad! You should come look.

I sigh to myself because these kindergarten kids are always falling and hitting their heads, tripping on something, or some other form of hurting themselves. I understand this. I was their age once and fell down a lot. I, however, did not feel it necessary to scream my eyeballs out because I fell and scraped my knee. Maybe it is just having an older brother who hit me with nunchuks, or maybe it was the fact that if I cried my dad would just look at me like I was dumb for crying over a skinned knee.

So I get out of the car and, knowing I have a basic first aid kid in the car, dig in my trunk. I find the seriously basic first aid kit and head over to where the little girl is crying and holding her knee. I expected, from her screaming and B’s announcement that it was “bad”, to find blood all over her knee and to have to pull out the wipes.

There was nothing.

One tiny little bubble of blood. A small scrape that barely broke through the first layer of skin. But the kid was still crying like she was dying. So I pulled out a bandaid anyway, pretended it was something major, and covered it up. The crossing guard gave her a hug (I won’t touch other people’s kids because you never know what the parent might think if they walk up) and asked her when her mom was going to be coming. Just as B got her backpack and coat the mom walked up and I told her we put a bandaid on the scrape, but that she was still pretty upset.

The crossing guard said to me in a conspiratorial manner: I think she’s more upset that her pants got ripped.

I think so too. They were pretty cool pants.

As B and I were walking to my car to head to her great-grandma’s house, B says to me, “If that happened to me I wouldn’t cry. She’s just a big crybaby.” Kids can be so funny.

As I drove, I thought about how that whole exchange felt. I could have freaked out or been annoyed that I had to deal with a crying kid yet again. I could have cringed when I looked at the scrape. I could have told the kid to stop crying cuz she wouldn’t die. But I didn’t. I did what a mom would do. I put a bandaid on a skinned knee and acted like this was a horrible thing. If it had been B I would have kissed it and made it better.

I liked that feeling. I want that feeling all the time. Of being depended on, of being the hero of the day.

Bills Are Due

So I was listening to Taylor Swift’s new song “22” tonight and thought “Self? Seriously? This is what kids are getting an image of being 22 as this fun, dancy stuff Taylo Sweezy is putting down? Let’s fix this.” So I wrote some parody lyrics. Enjoy!

 

Bills Are Due

It feels like a perfect night to go pay bills online
Complain about coworkers, uh uh uh uh
It feels like a perfect night for breakfast at midnight
Haven’t eaten all day uh uh uh uh
Yeaaaah
We’re broke, tired, and overworked at the same time
It’s miserable and exhausting oh yeah
Tonight’s the night when we forget about the deadlines, oh crap uh uh

I don’t know about you but im feeling 22
Everything will be alright if my cell phone bill’s not due
You don’t know about me don’t think you want to
Everything will be alright if my internet’s not down, bills are due bills are due

It seems like one of those nights
This place is too crowded can’t get the doors locked uh uh uh uh
It seems like one of those nights
We think of dreaming instead of screaming instead of sleeping
Yeaaaah
We’re broke, tired, and overworked in the worst way
It’s miserable and exhausting oh yeah
Tonight’s the night when we forget about the lunch break, it’s time uh uh

I don’t know about you but im feeling 22
Everything will be alright if my cell phone bill’s not due
You don’t know about me don’t think you want to
Everything will be alright if my internet’s not down, bills are due bills are due

I don’t know about you, bills are due bills are due

It feels like one of those nights
Load up on Rockstars
It feels like one of those nights
We won’t be sleeping
It feels like one of those nights
My homework’s overdue, I gotta do it, I gotta do it
I don’t know about you but im feeling 22
Everything will be alright if my cell phone bill’s not due
You don’t know about me don’t think you want to
Everything will be alright if my internet’s not down, bills are due bills are due

I don’t know about you, bills are due bills are due

It feels like one of those nights
Load up on Rockstars
It feels like one of those nights
We won’t be sleeping
It feels like one of those nights
My homework’s overdue, I gotta do it, I gotta do it

 

Melancholy Blues

Feelings.

I don’t know if I have them anymore. Or at least a true emotional spectrum, anyways. I know I come off happy and crazy and full of life. But it is surface. Underneath that seemingly psychotic facade, I am… sad? No. Sorrowful? No… Melancholy? That seems about right. But it seems to be melancholy in varying degrees. Some days it is just barely there, while other days it is such an overpowering degree of melancholy that I can barely function.

Melancholy is defined as “a deep, pensive, and long-lasting sadness; sad, gloomy or depressed; sadness or depression of the spirits”. Some of the antonyms of melancholy are “bliss, blissfulness, ecstasy, elatedness, elation, euphoria,exhilaration, exuberance, exultation, felicity, gladness,gladsomeness, happiness, heaven, intoxication, joy,joyfulness, joyousness, jubilation, rapture, rapturousness” and the synonyms are “, self-pity; anguish, dolor, grief, mourning, somberness, sorrow, woefulness; agony, distress, pain; misery, woe, wretchedness; discouragement, disheartenment; moodiness; despair, desperation, hopelessness, self-despair; boredom, ennui, tedium; dismalness, drear, morbidness, moroseness, morosity; regret, rue.” While I want to feel the antonyms of how I feel on a daily basis, I more often feel the synonyms. The synonyms are actually quite interesting in and of themselves. They are varying degrees of the emotion that I feel. Some days I am simply moody, other days I am full of hopelessness and self-despair, and then others I am merely bored and morose.

Another degree of this melancholy that I feel on a regular, nightly basis is emptiness. Have you ever woken up ever so slightly in the night and groped blindly for something that you know is there? But your still sleeping brain never quite finds it before you fall back asleep with a slight feeling of desperation? I have. Not even sleeping. I have gone to bed at night feeling like I normally do… sad… and then I toss and turn until finally, half asleep and half awake, I grope for a heart in the darkness. My heart hunts for its equal or even a partner that is better than it. Another part to it.

And it never, in all of its nightly groping in the dark, finds it.

And that sucks.

At a friend’s recent wedding, I wanted so badly to be happy for her. I wanted to hug her and feel overjoyed for her finding her soul mate. I did not want to feel these feelings of depression and spirit crushing sorrow. I went to the wedding, I acted the part of happy childhood friend, I went back to my car (alone), I cried. I cried gutwrenching sobs that shook my entire being. I want what she was getting. I wanted a friend, a confidante, a lover, a fighter, and a soul that mine could connect with so deeply. Maybe I’m a bit too romantic… maybe that’s not what marriage is. But I want that connection with someone, that TIE to them. I don’t want to be alone. I want to be a good wife to a good husband, a good mother to great children, and a good friend to good people. I don’t want to grope in the darkness for feelings that I am almost unable to feel. I don’t want to grope in the darkness and continue to find nothing. I want my heart to reach out to another and find purchase.

I’m tired of this.

Getting to know youuuuu

Eye Color::	Brown
Hair Color::	Dark Brown
Height::	5’6″
Favorite Color::	Black and Purple
Screen Name::	Bethany Ann Rants
Favorite Band::	Too many to list… I like a lot of different music.
Favorite Movie::	Princess Bride – greatest movie ever
Favorite Show::	A Bit of Frye and Laurie
Your Car::	1996 Olds Ciera
Your Hometown::	Bismarck, ND
Your Present Town::	Bismarck, ND (for now)
Your Crushes First Name::	Robert
Your Grade::	Ummm… 14? Sophomore college… I guess.
Your Style::	Morbidly Romantic? Like Poe or Shelley
* . . Have You Ever . . *
Sat on your rooftop?:	Yep. A couple of times… didn’t like it too much.
Kissed someone in the rain?:	Unfortunately not.
Danced in a public place?:	Sadly, yes.
Smiled for no reason?:	There is usually a reason. Even if it is because I am slightly insane.
Laughed so hard you cried?:	Today, actually… again… slightly insane.
Peed your pants after age 8?:	Not that I recall. Even if I did, would I really tell you?
Written a song?:	Song, no… Poem, yes.
Sang to someone for no reason?:	For NO reason? No. I always have a reason… to irritate them is a reason.
Performed on a stage?:	Several times.
Talked to someone you don’t know?:	She became my best friend.
Gone out of your way to befriend someone?:	No, if I do not like you I will not force my way into your life.
Made out in a theatre?:	With my movie snacks, yes… with a boy, no.
Gone roller skating since 8th grade?:	Does rollerblading count? Because I do not think anyone lollerskates anymore.
Been in love?:	No. Someday I hope to be, though.
* . . Who was the last person to . . *
Say HI to you?:	Lady at Pizza Ranch I think?
Tell you, I love you?:	That tall, dark, mysterious guy in my dream last night.
Kiss you?:	Too long to be sure…
Hug you?:	My friend’s daycare kid.
Tell you BYE?:	Does anyone even say that anymore?
Write you a note?:	I’m sure it was my mom, but its been too long.
Take your photo?:	Me… does that count?
Call your cell phone?:	My dad…
Buy you something?:	My parents bought me dinner a week or so ago to pay me back for buying theirs the time before.
Go with you to the movies?:	Rachel, Lexie, and Thony. We saw “Identity Thief”. It was epic.
Sing to you?:	Simon and Garfunkel
Write a poem about you?:	Haha. No one ever.
Text message you?:	Rachel, telling me to come see her. I obliged.
Touch you?:	Let’s see… I’m gonna say the guy in my dream last night.
* . . What’s the last . . *
Time you laughed?:	Just now.
Time you cried?:	Earlier today? I’m a stressed out college girl…. when don’t I cry?
Movie you watched?:	Pitch Perfect
Joke you told?:	I don’t remember.
Song you’ve sang?:	Patience by Guns N Roses
Time you’ve looked at the clock?:	Just now…
Drink you’ve had?:	Rockstar Bubbleberry
Number you’ve dialed?:	Who dials phone numbers anymore? I use speed dial.
Book you’ve read?:	Hamlet by Shakespeare (for class, not fun) and Silver Linings Playbook (for fun, not class)
Food you’ve eaten?:	Pizza and cottage cheese (We went to Pizza Ranch for supper)
Flavor of gum chewed?:	I don’t chew gum.
Shoes you’ve worn?:	Slip-on sneakers
Store you’ve been in?:	Holiday gas station-for Coke and movie candy
Thing you’ve said?:	“I’m quitting Facebook!”
* . . Can You . . *
Write with both hands?:	Right hand=English, Left hand=Gibberish
Whistle?:	Yes, and I’m good at it too!
Blow a bubble?:	Since I don’t chew gum I’m going to go with the soap bubbles, and yes.
Roll your tounge in a circle?:	Taco tongue? yes.
Cross your eyes?:	No… always wanted to be able to do so.
Touch your tounge to your nose?:	I can touch my tongue and my nose, but not touch my nose with said tongue.
Dance?:	Can any white girl dance?
Gleek?:	I’m going to say no and ignore this…
Stay up a whole night without sleep?:	Oh heck yes, but I’m getting too old for that.
Speak a different language?:	I speak Valley Girl pretty well.
Impersonate someone?:	Stupid people.
Prank call people?:	Done it.
Make a card pyramid?:	I’m a crack-baby… so no.
Cook anything?:	Not anything, but some things.
* . . Finish The Line . . *
If i were a …:	boy, I’d be pretty awesome.
I wish …:	I was out of Bismarck and onto my next stage of school.
So many people don’t know that …:	I love poetry and Poe.
I am …:	really freaking weird and eccentric and odd.
My heart is …:	the B-side to my brain.

Blahg

So today I went and looked around MySpace again. The thing I have missed about MySpace is the blog option. The option to have a platform in which you can say what you want, when you want, and not everyone in the whole wide world is going to see it… because everyone looks for everything on Facebook. If I decide this works well enough for me, I will most likely be removing myself from the whole Facebook scene for a while.

The thing that got me to this point is the fact that schools and jobs look at Facebook. They assume everyone has one. And since most people do, they would not believe someone who says they do not have a Facebook page. The person could swear up and down and all the way around again, but no one is going to believe that someone is not on Facebook.

Heaven forbid someone say something on the internet and not get chewed out for it. I actually just recently had this happen and it did nothing but make me angry. This thing was said on MY page, on MY time, for MY friends. However, a teacher decided to take it upon themselves to go on said social media site and take a look at my posts.

My plans for this blah-g are to post random thoughts, poems, pictures, videos, and other writings. How many people will actually read it or peruse it probably will not be that many, but it will be for me.